The global arena trembles as President Trump threatens to abandon European allies unless they hand over the icy crown of Greenland, all while a fiery conflict with Iran ignites anew on the high seas. At home, moral scandal plunges a Maine Senate race into chaos, while a rogue Wisconsin judge dodges prison for shielding an immigrant fugitive from federal clutches. These tumultuous events threaten to reshape the nation's political landscape and tear at the very fabric of international peace.
**THE DAILY INQUIRER**
*Late Night Edition – Five Cents*
*Wednesday, July 10, 1926*
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### **TRUMP DEMANDS ICY GREENLAND!**
#### **President Threatens to Pull Doughboys Out of Europe if Denmark Won’t Sell!**
#### *“A Lot Depends on Greenland,” Says the Big Chief from His Presidential Sky-Cruiser!*
**ANKARA, Turkey** — The high-hats of Europe are shaking in their boots today! From the cabin of his sky-cruiser, President Donald J. Trump has laid down the law to our overseas chums: hand over the icy wastes of Greenland, or the U.S. of A. might just pack up its soldiers and skedaddle from the European continent.
When scribes asked the Chief if he planned to recall our boys from the Rhine and beyond, Trump didn't mince words. “I haven’t made that final determination. A lot is gonna depend on Greenland,” he barked. “We’re gonna make a very good deal on Greenland. And if we don’t, maybe I will [pull the troops].”
Trump likewise gave the cold shoulder to our European allies regarding the hot-and-heavy dust-up in Persia. Having torn up his own ceasefire agreement to resume deadly air strikes against Iran, the President scoffed at Europe's sudden desire to pitch in. “They want to help now, it’s a little late to the thing... When they had a chance, they chose not to.”
The President kicked off the big NATO parley here in Ankara by reigniting his relentless bid to buy Greenland, though folks in Denmark and Greenland are reportedly sore about the American pressure and talk of bribing the locals. Sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, Trump warned, “We could remove all of our soldiers out of Europe. [Greenland] should be controlled by the United States, not by Denmark.”
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### **MAINE SENATE HOPEFUL IN THE SOUP!**
#### **Progressive Firebrand Platner Quits Race After Dame Accuses Him of Raucous Conduct!**
#### *GOP and Dems Scramble as Candidate Hits the Skids Over Five-Year-Old Scandal!*
**PORTLAND, Maine** — Graham Platner, the darling of the progressive populists, has thrown in the sponge! The embattled Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate announced his exit Wednesday after a former sweetheart accused him of acting like a heel.
“We believe for the movement to continue, it can’t be me,” Platner said in a motion-picture message broadcast to the public.
The trouble boiled over on Monday when Jenny Racicot, a 41-year-old doll who kept company with Platner on-and-off, told reporters that five years ago, a liquored-up Platner forced his way into her parlor and wouldn't take "no" for an answer.
Platner swears on a stack of Bibles that the claims are pure applesauce, blaming a "corporate media system" for playing judge, jury, and executioner. But the Maine Democratic Party isn't waiting around—they have until July 27 to find a new horse for the November derby.
This isn't the first time Platner has found himself in hot water. Last autumn, he had to apologize for some sour comments on the electric bulletin boards (Reddit) suggesting victims of assault should "take responsibility" and not get so ossified on giggle-water. Around the same time, folks caught sight of his "Totenkopf" military tattoo, which he claims he got on leave with the Marines in Croatia. To top it off, his own wife recently warned his campaign staff about some highly improper wireless messages he’d been sending to other dames.
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### **MERCIFUL JUDGE SPARES "COURTROOM ESCAPE" ARTIST!**
#### **Milwaukee Justice Fined Five Grand After Helping Immigrant Give Federal Flatfoots the Slip!**
**MILWAUKEE, Wis.** — Justice Hannah Dugan will not be wearing prison stripes! U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman showed the disgraced Wisconsin judge mercy Wednesday, handing her a mere $5,000 fine for helping an undocumented Mexican national escape the clutches of federal immigration agents.
Dugan was facing five years in the federal pen after being convicted of obstruction. The court heard how back in April 2025, six federal immigration dicks marched into Dugan’s courthouse to collar one Eduardo Flores-Ruiz. Dugan confronted the flatfoots, told 'em their papers weren't in order, and sent them on a wild goose chase to the Chief Judge’s office. Meanwhile, she snuck Flores-Ruiz out a private back door.
"I think this is a situation where an otherwise good person made a bad decision in the moment," Judge Adelman ruled. Dugan, who resigned her bench after Republican lawmakers threatened to impeach her, told the court, "I am no hero, and I am no scofflaw. I am a public servant." Flores-Ruiz was later apprehended anyway.
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### **NO MORE "SISSY BICYCLE PATHS" FOR AMERICA!**
#### **Road Chief Duffy Seizes $1.7 Billion from Reform Schemes to Build Honest Concrete!**
**WASHINGTON** — Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy announced a grand housecleaning Tuesday, clawing back $1.73 billion in federal grants aimed at high-brow "DEI bike lanes" and redirecting the dough to good old-fashioned roads and bridges.
The money, originally authorized during the Biden era to promote "equity and climate safety," had been earmarked for fancy bicycle paths and street-crossings in urban centers. But the Trump administration is putting the kibosh on any federal spending that sniffs of social engineering.
"America is fortunate to have a Builder in the White House," Duffy declared. "We are investing in critical roads and bridges that move American families." Critics argue that the move is a targeted blow to progressive city-dwellers who rely on two-wheelers, but the administration is firm: the era of the high-hat velocipede is over; the motor-car remains king!
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### **NAVY FLYER LOST IN PERSIAN SEA AS WAR DRUMS BEAT!**
#### **Commander Edwards Declared Dead; Trump Declares Iran Peace Pact "Bunk"!**
**THE ARABIAN SEA** — A brave birdman of the U.S. Navy has made his final flight. Commander Gabriel Edwards of the "Nightdippers" helicopter squadron was officially declared lost at sea after his flying machine was forced to make a wet landing on July 1.
While three of his crewmates were yanked from the drink, a 102-hour search failed to find the veteran commander. The Navy insists the crash was not due to enemy fire, but the tragedy comes at a dark hour as Uncle Sam and Iran trade heavy blows.
At the NATO summit, President Trump declared the peace memorandum "null, void, and finished." Following fierce exchanges of fire—including Iranian attacks on oil tankers and U.S. forces bombing coastal cities—the President did not mince words: "They're scum. They're sick people... As far as I'm concerned, it's over."
Thirteen American doughboys have already laid down their lives in the current campaign, though insiders whisper the true toll may be even higher.