EXTRA! EXTRA! The grand political theater of our age reaches a fever pitch as Senator Susan Collins dodges a Democratic campaign collapse in Maine, while Donald Trump orchestrates a shameful surrender to the Persian mullahs and defiles the White House lawn with brutal cage matches! With a rogue, ultra-conservative Supreme Court stripping away citizens' liberties under the guise of law, the very soul of American patriotism hangs precariously in the balance.
**EXTRA! EXTRA! THE MAINE SENATE SHAKE-UP!**
**COLLINS CHUCKLES AS DEMOCRAT CAMPAIGN GOES BUST—BUT CAN THE LADY HOLD THE LINE?**
**PORTLAND, ME.** — The smart money on the street says Senator Susan Collins, the Republican doll from Maine, is laughing herself silly this week, and who can blame her? The spectacular tailspin of Democratic hopeful Graham Platner is a bust for the ages! It leaves the local Democrats in a tight corner, forcing them to dance on a dime if they want to save their skins before the frost sets in.
But don't lay down your greenbacks just yet, folks! November is a long way off. If the Democrats can get through the next fortnight without taking too many lumps and rally behind a new champion, Senator Collins will still be fighting for her political life.
Make no mistake, the Pine Tree State is cold on the Washington big-wigs. The Great Chief’s (Donald Trump’s) approval rating here is a measly 36 percent. A whopping 85 percent of the locals say the economy is on the fritz, and the latest polls show the average voter favors a Democrat over a Republican by a hefty 11 percent. Those are terrifying numbers for Collins, and she knows it!
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### **THE PLATNER FLOP: A REAL BAD EGG**
Before we peer into the crystal ball, let us have a final word on young Platner. This press wrote a month ago about the unsavory revelations regarding his conduct with the ladies. At the time, we advised that since he was the presumptive nominee, the party had to back him to the hilt—barring revelations of the absolute worst, most criminal sort.
Well, the young fella managed to check the box on one of those dark deeds, and one is enough to get you thrown out of any respectable joint! Some of Platner’s defenders are crying about the "presumption of innocence." Baloney! That’s for a court of law when a man's freedom is on the line. A political campaign is no trial—it requires political judgment, and no self-respecting party can back a mug facing a credible charge of such a vile nature!
As for the greenhorn strategists who "discovered" Platner—specifically one Daniel Moraff—we hope they’ve learned their lesson. Moraff told the financial papers he sensed a public thirst for candidates who don't fit the cookie-cutter mold. That’s all well and good, kid, but you still have to put your pony through its paces before the race! If Collins walks away with the prize in November, Moraff will have to face the music.
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### **THE LAY OF THE LAND**
Despite the Platner debacle, Collins is still on shaky ground. The Democratic gubernatorial nominee, Miss Hannah Pingree, is running like a house on fire, leading her Republican rival by fifteen points. This means Collins has to convince a boatload of independent voters to split their tickets—no easy trick!
The wiseguys point to 2014, when Shenna Bellows ran against Collins and got licked by thirty grand. But 2014 was a different era entirely! Back then, Bellows was a thirty-nine-year-old novice. It was the sixth year of a Democratic presidency—always a tough year for the party in power—and Maine was in such a cantankerous mood it re-elected that loudmouthed extremist Paul LePage to the governor’s mansion. Most of all, it was before the era of Trump, and before Collins voted to put Brett Kavanaugh on the High Court after taking his word that the law of the land was "settled."
The anti-Trump tide is high, and Collins is hitched to a party where she voted to confirm 22 of his 23 Cabinet picks. To win, the Maine Democrats must keep their process transparent and fair. And as for Boss Chuck Schumer of New York, he’d best keep his mitts off! His meddling only helps Collins in the long run.
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### **BLACK THURSDAY AT THE HIGH COURT!**
**CONSERVATIVE BENCH GOES BERSERK IN RADICAL POWER GRAB!**
**WASHINGTON, D.C.** — Is the Supreme Court out of its mind? Thursday may well go down as one of the darkest days in the history of our Republic. In a series of breathtaking rulings, the six-member conservative majority ran roughshod over the law:
* **Pesticide Barons Protected:** The Court cleared the way for a chemical trust to escape lawsuits from poor farmers who contracted cancer from their product.
* **The Golden Door Slammed:** They ruled the administration can turn away desperate asylum-seekers at our borders.
* **Pistols in the Parlor:** They held that gun owners can carry their irons into private shops, restaurants, and movie houses. Does any rational citizen believe the Founding Fathers wanted military-style rifles carried into a children's play parlor?
* **The Mullin Outrage:** In *Mullin v. Doe*, the Court greenlit the deportation of Haitians and Syrians. Justice Samuel Alito actually pretended there was nothing "overtly racial" about the President’s vile and false slanders against the immigrant community of Springfield, Ohio!
This Court is out of control—blatantly partisan and ideological!
#### **THE REMEDY: PACK THE BENCH!**
It is time for the Democrats to play hardball. We must expand the Supreme Court!
There is a grand historical precedent for this. The United States has 13 federal circuit courts, but only nine Supreme Court justices. Historically, Congress expanded the number of justices to match the number of circuits. We had six justices in 1789, seven in 1807, nine in 1837, and ten in 1863.
The current nine-justice format was set way back in 1869 when our population was a fraction of what it is today. Let’s expand the High Court to 13 seats to match our 13 circuits! It is entirely legal, entirely constitutional, and the only way to save the rights of the American people from these judicial autocrats.
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### **THE PERSIAN FIASCO: A HUMILIATING SURRENDER!**
**TRUMP'S IMMORAL WAR ENDS IN A $300 BILLION WHITE FLAG!**
Future historians will surely look back and ask: *What in the sweet name of Hoover were we thinking?*
We have just witnessed a foreign policy disaster of epic proportions, brought to you by a President who is willfully ignorant, impervious to facts, and surrounded by flatters who treat him like a temperamental child.
Let’s look at the ledger:
1. **The Deal Broken:** There was a diplomatic agreement with Iran (the Obama-era JCPOA) that was working perfectly. Trump tore it to pieces out of a personal grudge.
2. **The Threat Revived:** With the deal broken, Iran naturally resumed enriching uranium, reducing their nuclear "breakout time" from twelve months to a mere seven days!
3. **The Blunder:** In February, with no plan and no warning, Trump started a war. We bombed a school, killing 120 children, and ran up a body count of 3,500.
4. **The Squeeze:** Iran retaliated by shutting down the Strait of Hormuz. Gas prices shot to the sky!
5. **The Capitulation:** Bored with his war, Trump sent his dandy son-in-law (who is cozy with the Saudis) to sue for peace.
The result? A complete and total surrender! The United States has unambiguously lost a war. Trump is handing the mullahs a staggering **$300 billion smackers** to secure a deal that is worse than the one he tore up! For comparison, when Obama agreed to unfreeze $1.7 billion of Iran's own money, the right-wing screamed "treason!" Now, Trump is handing them 176 times that amount.
It is a Neville Chamberlain moment of the worst kind, and "immoral" barely scratches the surface.
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### **A CAESARIAN SPECTACLE ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN!**
**CHIEF TURNS 80 WITH BRUTAL PRIZE-FIGHTS AND GREASY GRAFT!**
The President turns eighty this Sunday, and how does he celebrate? By building a massive, vulgar arena right on the hallowed grounds of the White House to host six brutal UFC cage matches!
While six in ten Americans believe the old man lacks the mental sharpness to run the country, he wants to sit like a Roman Emperor watching men beat each other to a pulp.
The public is repulsed. A recent poll shows only **16 percent** of Americans think a prize-fight at the White House is appropriate, while 46 percent oppose it. Yet the propaganda mills on Fox and Newsmax will spend the weekend calling this savage display "real patriotism."
And let’s not forget the graft! The arena cost $60 million to build. The chief sponsor is a outfit called "Crypto.com," and swells are paying up to **$1.5 million berries** for a ringside seat. Meanwhile, Trump himself recently bought $50,000 in stock in the fight's parent company!
This is what fascism looks like, folks: a violent, grotesque spectacle designed to thrill a mob of worshippers while the leader lines his pockets.
But take heart! Real patriotism—the kind championed by George Washington, G.K. Chesterton, and the great Clarence Darrow—hates injustice in its own land. The anti-patriots have the upper hand today, but the American public is waking up from its slumber. That is something to celebrate this weekend!