A double dose of calamity has struck the capital as the sudden demise of Senator Lindsey Graham leaves the Republican machine in absolute disarray, even as drums of war beat fiercely in the Persian Gulf. In a shocking turn, President Trump has used the tragic passing of his legislative lieutenant to duck hard questions regarding a fiery clash with Persia. With vital Senate votes hanging by a thread and the executive mansion transformed into a costly construction zone, the fate of the Republic hangs in a delicate balance.
**THE DAILY TRUMPET**
*Late City Edition — Price: Three Cents*
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### EXTRA! EXTRA! PRESIDENT CLAMS UP ON PERSIA CLASH!
#### Uses Tragic Demise of Senator Graham as Shield Against Press Scribes!
#### *Drums of War Beat in the Orient While the Chief in the White House Plays Oyster!*
**WASHINGTON, D.C.** — High drama in the nation’s capital as the drums of war beat in the Far East, and the Chief in the Executive Mansion pulls off a slick dodge! On Sunday’s wireless broadcast, President Donald Trump used the sudden, tragic departure of South Carolina’s favorite son, Senator Lindsey Graham, to give the slip to eager news-hounds.
Just twenty-four hours after the 71-year-old statesman kicked the bucket, Uncle Sam and the Persian forces traded hot lead in the Middle East, smashing the June peace pact to smithereens. When CNN’s star scribe, Jake Tapper, cornered the President on the airwaves, demanding to know if we are back in the trenches and who rules the waves of the Hormuz Strait, Trump clutched his lapels and sang a tune of solemn respect.
“Out of respect for Lindsey, I ain’t talking about that!” Trump barked, though he couldn't help bragging, “We hit ’em real hard last night!”
The President painted the Persian leaders as dizzy double-crossers who were ready to fold during Saturday's talks before launching a flying-torpedo drone at a ship. “Those people, they’ve got screws loose,” the President sneered. “But Lindsey Graham? He was top-drawer, nothing wrong with him!”
When the persistent newsman tried to squeeze the truth about the shipping lanes later in the palaver, Trump shut him down: “It’s open as far as we’re concerned. Don’t talk about it. Stick to the program!” Come Monday morning, both Uncle Sam and the Persians were claiming to rule the waves.
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### CAPITOL HILL IN A TIZZY! SENATE GANG DOWN ONE SOLON AS BIG VOTES LOOM!
#### *Who Will Grab the Reins of Graham’s South Carolina Kingdom?*
With Senator Graham laying in state, the Republican brass is in a tight spot. A heap of crucial votes are coming down the pike this very week. The Senate must decide on confirmations for big-wigs like Todd Blanche for Chief Lawman, Jay Clayton for Spymaster General, Erica Schwartz to fight the plague at the CDC, Keith Sonderling for the Labor Desk, and David Cummins to police the transit lines. If that ain't enough, the big military bankroll—the National Defense Authorization Act—is on the chopping block.
Graham was the big chief of the Budget Committee, planning a grand tax-slash with David McIntosh of the Club for Growth. Now, the Party's grand schemes—including new sanctions on the Russian bear, a spy-bill renewal, and Trump's hotly-debated “SAVE Act” ballot box rules—are up in the air.
Furthermore, the President has lost his prime go-between with the Senate. He fancies Florida’s Rick Scott for the gig, but the Capitol boys think Scott’s a wet blanket. Whisperers say Alabama's swell dame, Katie Britt, might step into the breach.
Meanwhile, the race for Graham’s vacant Palmetto State seat is a real humdinger! Former DA Troy Gowdy has the backing of Senator Tim Scott, while Lieutenant Governor Pamela Evette has the Governor’s ear. Governor Henry McMaster holds the golden ticket to appoint a temporary senator before a lightning-fast primary election this autumn. Other names floating in the rumor mill include Treasury boss Scott Bessent and Graham's own sister, Darline Nordone. The Grand Old Party needs a warm body in that seat, and they need it yesterday!
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### SKY-FLEET OF DOOM! TAXPAYERS TO FOOT BILL FOR SEVENTY-FOUR-SEVEN EXILE SQUADRON!
#### *G-Men Hunt for Iron Birds to Boot a Million Outcasts a Year!*
Hold onto your straw hats, folks! The President’s fellas at Homeland Security are hatching a wild scheme to build an armada of government flying-wagons, primed to deport a million folks a year at a moment’s notice! The G-men are shopping for a private outfit to supply nine giant silver birds, complete with flyboys, nurses, and armed guards to carry out the expulsions and cart high-hat officials around on diplomatic junkets.
Last year, the feds blew a staggering 140 million clams on just six Boeing sky-coaches, and the aviation watchdogs say they've already snatched up a few bird-planes from the Avelo outfit. While the President’s red-hatted boosters are cheering this grand crusade, cooler heads call the million-man deportation target pure applesauce. The big sky-contract isn't set to take off until the summer of ’27, but it’ll keep burning a hole in the public purse all the way to 1932!
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### SPHINX OF THE SENATE! McCONNELL’S HEALTH A MYSTERY WHILE RUG-MEN PATROL HIS DIGS!
#### *Is the Kentucky Kingpin at Death’s Door, or Just Getting a New Parlor Carpet?*
What’s the real lowdown on Senator Mitch McConnell? The old Kentucky statesman has been holed up in a sanitarium since mid-June, and his office is playing dumber than a wooden Indian. Rumors are flying faster than speakeasy gossip—some say the poor fella is brain-dead, while his pals swear he's still chin-wagging.
A sharp-eyed sleuth from a local scandal-sheet spotted a tradesman lugging fancy carpet and tile samples out of McConnell's Washington brownstone, where he lives with his missus, Elaine Chao. Why lay down plush new rugs while the master of the house is on his back in a hospital bed? Is the family fixing to sell the joint, or is there something more sinister afoot?
Ever since a neighbor saw a stretcher carted away from the house weeks ago with nary a sign of life, the hush-hush around the Senator has the whole town whispering!
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### THE PEOPLE’S PALACE OR A GOLD-PLATED PLAYGROUND?
#### *Trump Slaps New Coats of Paint on Citizens’ Dough Without Congress’ Say-So!*
The Great Gatsby himself couldn't compete with the wild construction spree happening over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue! President Trump is treating the historic Executive Mansion like one of his own swanky gambling joints, and he’s sticking the working man with the bill!
Right now, the front gates facing Lafayette Park are shrouded in giant tarps painted to look like the real columns while workers hammer away underneath—all without a single okay from the purse-string holders on Capitol Hill!
But that’s small potatoes. The President just started tearing up the South Lawn to build a private landing pad for his flying-copters. He claims the big aircraft barons at Sikorsky are footing the five-million-dollar bill, but don’t bet your last nickel on it.
Add to that a rush job on the driveway that cost the taxpayers an extra $875,000 in "hurry-up" money just so the place looks spiffy for the Chinese Grandee, Xi Jinping, this September. This follows his grand ballroom disaster, which ballooned from a promised $200 million to a staggering $600 million demolition of the East Wing! With half that tab falling on the taxpayers, folks are starting to worry the former tenement landlord is leaving us with a lemon—just look at his stagnant, toxic reflecting pool and his crumbling July Fourth grandstands!