High-flying Washington elites feather their nests with taxpayer gold while the common man groans under the crushing weight of rising prices and unending conflict. From unauthorized marble renovations at the Executive Mansion to the grand, chef-served lives of high officials, the grandees of the state stand accused of losing touch with the struggling citizen. This widening gulf between the gilded rulers and the working class threatens a massive day of reckoning at the ballot box.
**THE METROPOLIS GAZETTE**
*The Voice of the Republic — Five Cents a Copy*
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### **KING TRUMP’S GOLD-PLATED BALLROOM!**
#### **Taxpayers Foot the Bill for President’s Fancy Renovations as Pennsylvania Avenue is Turned into a Giant Construction Yard!**
**WASHINGTON —** President Donald Trump is at it again, folks! He’s turning Uncle Sam’s historic Executive Mansion into a dusty, noisy construction site, and he’s expecting the average working stiff to cough up the greenbacks to pay for it!
The grand front doors of the White House, facing Lafayette Park where the local pedestrians stroll, are currently blocked off by giant tarps. Why? Because the President is ordering high-priced security improvements and face-lifts for the iconic North Portico columns. On Friday, onlookers spotted massive canvas sheets draped over the building, painted with pictures of what the place *ought* to look like while the workmen do their sawing and hammering underneath.
This is just the latest construction caper the President has pulled without getting the green light from the high-hats in Congress—who, by law, are supposed to hold the purse strings for any building on federal land. For months now, Trump has treated the White House—which belongs to you and me, not just the temporary tenant—like one of his own flashy seaside resorts!
Just last month, Trump ordered the steamshovels to start digging up the South Lawn for a brand-new helipad for his private flying machines—without giving the public so much as a whistle! At the same time, his administration started re-topping the driveway and dolling up the South Portico. Word from the inside reveals the White House later demanded the contractor speed up the job, slapping an extra $875,000 onto a bill that was already a whopping 13 million clams!
Why the rush? Contractor papers show they were told to wrap it up by mid-September for a "state visit" from none other than the Big Cheese of China, President Xi Jinping, whom Trump invited to the capital. The North Portico face-lift is also scheduled to be finished by that same mid-September deadline.
The President claims the Sikorsky outfit—a subsidiary of the Lockheed Martin flying-machine syndicate—will cover the $5 million or $6 million tab for the helipad. But smart money says the American taxpayer will end up holding the bag for the rest of his fancy renovations.
It’s not the first time the President’s building budget has ballooned like a runaway hot air balloon! Trump originally promised his grand White House ballroom project would only cost 200 million smackers and wouldn't harm a brick of the original structure. But then he went ahead and demolished the East Wing! The price tag skyrocketed to $300 million, then $400 million, and a bombshell dispatch last month revealed that taxpayers are actually on the hook for half of a colossal $600 million bill!
Should we be surprised? Just look at the President’s polluted, toxic Reflecting Pool, or his crumbling venue for the Fourth of July ballyhoo!
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### **JUDGE BLOCKS CHIEF’S PURSE-STRING SNATCH!**
#### **Federal Court Freezes Trump’s Anti-Diversity Grift on City Grants!**
**SAN FRANCISCO —** A federal judge has handed President Trump two fresh black eyes in his war against what he calls "diversity, equity, and inclusion."
U.S. District Judge William Orrick issued a stern injunction to freeze Trump’s attempt to slap anti-DEI conditions on federal grants heading to several cities in Oregon and California. The wise judge ruled that the President’s maneuver boldly overstepped Congress’s constitutional power of the purse.
The precious federal dollars put at risk by Trump’s high-handed move include funds meant to aid battered dames, victims of human trafficking, disaster relief, anti-terrorism preparedness, and specialized help for vulnerable children and elders.
"Nothing in the Constitution or federal statutes authorizes the Defendants to impose these conditions on funds administered through congressional programs," Judge Orrick wrote in his decision. "I agree."
This marks at least the third time in recent weeks that the President’s anti-diversity crusades have been knocked flat by the courts!
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### **HEGSETH ORDERS "CARRY ON" TO FLYING DAREDEVILS!**
#### **Secretary of War Bails Out South Carolina Aviators Who Buzzed Crowded Beach on the Glorious Fourth!**
**THE PENTAGON —** Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has put the kibosh on a safety investigation into eight National Guard pilots who were suspended for using military aeroplanes to buzz a packed beach!
Crowds gathered on the South Carolina coast for the "Salute to the Shore" on July 4th were treated to a hair-raising show by low-flying Apache helicopters. But the moment those flyboys touched their wheels to the tarmac, they were slapped with suspension notices!
Major Lisa Allen confirmed the flyers were grounded pending an investigation into safety violations, though she swore up and down the move was "not punitive" but just routine procedure.
The President's loyal followers raised a mighty hullabaloo over the suspensions—and it caught the eye of the big boss, Pete Hegseth.
"We’ll fix this. Carry on, Patriots," Hegseth broadcasted on the wireless wire Thursday. True to his word, the very next day, Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell announced the suspensions were lifted, effective immediately!
It ain't the first time Hegseth has played the guardian angel for naughty pilots. He previously reinstated two grounded flyers who took their military birds for a joyride around the estate of the popular ragtime singer Kid Rock back in March!
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### **WYOMING POLITICO SUES RIVALS OVER FOUL WHISPERS!**
#### **Republican Candidate Reid Rasner Hauls Party Bosses to Court Over Homophobic Slander!**
**CHEYENNE —** Out in the Wild West, a Republican candidate running for Wyoming’s lone seat in the House of Representatives is suing members of his own political club for defamation!
Reid Rasner, an openly gay candidate, is hauling former State Senator Austin "Kit" Jennings before the judge. Jennings allegedly peddled foul rumors of sexual misconduct against Rasner after the candidate made national headlines with a mind-boggling $47 billion bid to buy the popular wireless network TikTok.
Rasner is also settling a court battle with an Iowa mud-slinger who repeatedly called him a "pedophile" on the campaign's Facebook page.
Meanwhile, Wyoming Secretary of State Chuck Gray, who is running against Rasner in the primary, piled on by sending out a poll telling voters that Rasner "married his gay husband in New York." The low-down tactic worked, sending Rasner’s poll numbers into a tailspin.
"I’ve never experienced anything like this in my entire life," a shaken Rasner, 42, told reporters. "The state needs to come to terms with the hate and ignorance that’s fueled death threats against me."
Even with wealthy gay gentlemen in Trump’s own cabinet—like Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent—it seems the local party machines still have a nasty streak of the old-fashioned prejudice.
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### **HIGH-SOCIETY VANCE PUTS ON THE RITZ!**
#### **Vice President Brags of "Army of Servants" While Working Stiffs Squeeze Pennies in War-Time Inflation!**
**WASHINGTON —** While the average American family is pinching pennies to buy coal and bread—squeezed by stagnant wages and the high cost of the ongoing war in Persia—the Vice President is living like a regular Rockefeller!
JD Vance sat down on a popular broadcast with "Dirty Jobs" star Mike Rowe to chin-wag about faith and family, but the young Vice President couldn't help but brag about how swell his life has become since he moved into the second-highest office in the land.
"My life is—dude, totally transformed," Vance chuckled.
With a hefty government salary of $235,100 a year, plus all the high-class perks of the office, Vance is putting on the ritz!
"I don’t go to the grocery store anymore. People go for me," Vance boasted. "I don’t have to cook anymore because I have an army of people willing to cook my food. I fly around in a private silver bird, with no more security lines for me and the kids. It’s weird, but if you aren't careful, you start to become an entitled asshole."
Perhaps this high-society living explains why President Trump thinks citizens need to show their passport papers just to buy a loaf of bread, or why he claims "groceries" is just an old-fashioned word!
"We have a term 'groceries,'" Trump told foreign dignitaries last year. "It's an old term... but it's an old-fashioned sound."
But to the average Joe, the price of "groceries" is no joke. A recent Gallup poll shows the cost of living is the biggest worry on the public's mind. Sixty-five percent of voters tell pollsters that a decent middle-class life is completely out of reach, and seventy-seven percent say it’s harder to get by now than it was in their father's day.
With the cost of oil, gas, and rent soaring, the White House has turned its back on the working man. Just this Friday, President Trump walked away from a bipartisan housing bill that would have helped folks find a place to lay their heads—all in a desperate, futile attempt to force through his controversial voter-paper bill, the SAVE America Act.
The politicians are living high on the hog, folks, while the rest of us get the squeal!