EXTRA! EXTRA! The High Court has struck down the President's bold grab at birthright citizenship, yet a shocking mutiny of four rebel justices has sent tremors through the Nation's legal bedrock! In a desperate bid to please the Executive, these dissenting jurists abandoned decades of sacred legal tradition to read imaginary restrictions into the plain words of our Constitution. This sensational splintering of the bench warns of a perilous day when the written law may no longer shield the huddled masses!
**EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!**
**HIGH COURT SMASHES TRUMP CITIZENSHIP BAN!**
**FOUR SAGES OF THE BENCH ATTEMPT CONSTITUTIONAL HOCUS-POCUS!**
**Justice Roberts Pulls the Brake on Executive Overreach, but Dissenting Robed Solons Whipped Up a Tempest of Dangerous Twaddle!**
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**BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT**
**WASHINGTON, D.C.** — Hold onto your straw boaters, folks, because the high-and-mighty Supreme Court just handed down a real humdinger of a decision in the case of *Trump v. Barbara*!
While the smart money in Washington expected the President’s executive order on birthright citizenship to get the old heave-ho—and indeed, the majority gave it the gate—the real jaw-dropper is the wild stunt pulled by four of the robed gents on the bench. Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito, and Brett Kavanaugh were fully prepared to throw the plain-English of the Constitution right into the ashcan to keep children of temporary or unlawful immigrants from claiming their slice of the American Dream!
To hear the back-alley whispers, the dissenting opinions—especially the long-winded scribblings of Thomas, Gorsuch, and Kavanaugh—are far balmier than their rotten conclusion. They didn’t just carry water for the administration’s nativist ballyhoo; they did it by abandoning the very legal roadmap that every respectable judge from coast to coast has sworn to follow!
### THE PLAIN TRUTH OF THE FOURTEENTH!
Now, any street-corner newsboy can read the first sentence of the Fourteenth Amendment and get the drift. It lays down a simple two-part test: Anyone (1) “born… in the United States” and (2) “subject to the jurisdiction thereof” is a citizen. Period, full stop!
Even with the President’s wild flights of fancy, there’s no disputing what it means to be born here. So the only legal gymnastics to be played must be with that high-hat phrase, “subject to the jurisdiction thereof.”
Chief Justice John Roberts, leading a five-man majority, stuck to the straight and narrow. He ruled that “jurisdiction” just means Uncle Sam’s ordinary power to govern those within his borders. If you have to obey the laws of the land, you are under its jurisdiction—plain as the nose on your face! That’s the very same horse sense the Court used back in the gay nineties, when they settled the famous *Wong Kim Ark* case of 1898.
### THOMAS GOES DIGGING IN THE GRAVEYARD
But Justice Thomas, joined by Gorsuch, went clean off the deep end! He ignored the plain words on the page and instead spun a 90-page dime-novel history of Dred Scott, Frederick Douglass, and Ohio Congressman John Bingham. Thomas claims the amendment’s writers only had one narrow thing on their minds: undoing the Dred Scott abomination and securing citizenship for freed slaves. He argues the law secretly requires "domicile"—meaning a child’s folks must have deep, permanent roots and exclusive loyalty to the Red, White, and Blue.
What a load of tripe! This high-brow method of reading minds instead of reading laws is what the eggheads call "intent originalism." It’s an old-fashioned legal routine that has been thoroughly debunked. Why, no less a giant of conservative law than the late Justice Antonin Scalia called that kind of mind-reading pure bunk! Scalia always bellowed: “It is the law that governs, not the intent of the lawgiver!”
If we played by Thomas’s daffy rules, the landmark school desegregation in *Brown v. Board of Education* would be ruled out of bounds! The Reconstruction Congress that wrote the Fourteenth Amendment plainly didn't intend to outlaw segregated classrooms—heck, many of those politicians ran segregated schools in Washington themselves! If the lawmakers' private thoughts ruled the roost, segregation would still be the law of the land. It’s an unstable, slippery slope that can flip any way the wind blows, depending on which dusty old letter a judge decides to dig up!
### KAVANAUGH’S SNEAKY BACK-DOOR PLAY
And then we have Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who whipped up a separate opinion that’s a real head-scratcher. First, he claimed a 1940s statute already forbids the President's order. But then he went out of his way to tip his hat to the administration, suggesting the *Wong Kim Ark* precedent wasn't a closed case, and whispering that Congress could just pass a new law to strip citizenship from the children of undocumented folks.
He didn’t offer a lick of explanation as to how these kids could possibly be outside Uncle Sam’s jurisdiction. It was a cheap lifeline, and the President grabbed it immediately, shouting from the rooftops that he can still get his way through Congress!
It's a crooked outcome from what should have been a knockout blow. Explaining Kavanaugh’s bizarre stunt might require a doctor of the mind rather than a doctor of the law. But for now, the Constitution stands, even if four of its guardians tried to sell it down the river!