A costly three-million-dollar crusade against modern ideological foes has collapsed into sheer comedy at West Virginia University, where a grand state-mandated academy has attracted but a single solitary pupil. Meanwhile, Washington remains gripped by chaotic feuds as the administration trades blows with the Holy See, prosecutes a champion paddler over peeling pond paint, and beats the drums of war. This shocking sequence of taxpayer-funded blunders and bellicose boasting exposes a leadership more concerned with theatrical combats than the sober business of statecraft.
**THE DAILY INQUIRER**
*The Voice of the Republic — Five Cents*
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### THE THREE-MILLION DOLLAR FLOP!
#### Only One Solitary Scholar Enrolls in the State’s Grand “Anti-Woke” Academy!
#### TAXPAYERS FOOT BILL FOR EMPTY DESKS AS CHARLESTON BIGWIGS SQUEAL!
#### High-and-Mighty "Statesmanship" Program Shunned by University Youth Prior to Autumn Term
**MORGANTOWN, W.Va.** — A grand embarrassment has struck the high halls of West Virginia University! A cool three million smackers of the taxpayers’ hard-earned greenbacks have been flung into a fancy new "Civics, Culture, and Statesmanship" program—and the grand total of registered pupils for the upcoming autumn term stands at a solitary, lonely *one*!
This taxpayer-funded crusade, mandated by the Republican solons in the 1925 legislative session, has met with an abysmal freeze of public interest.
Professor Erik Herron, a clever academic who watches the political chessboard at the university, declared the whole shebang a grand irony. "I do think it’s important for the legislature and the governor to reflect on this," Herron told the *West Virginia Watch* broadsheet. "There is a question about whether or not this is the best use of public funds. Ironically, it seems to be exactly what it complains higher education has become. It was created in Charleston and imposed on the university—a big government mandate!"
From the rival camp, Democratic State Delegate John Williams—who voted against the scheme last year—spat fire over the waste. "I’m not happy about it," Williams barked. "Now we’re in a position where we’ve allocated so much money towards this program, and only one person is taking advantage of it."
The Republican bosses defended the empty desks by noting the classes do not yet count toward university credits—a detail that has failed to instill any confidence in the public.
The program, pushed heavily by Governor Patrick Morrisey, was designed to champion the "great debates of Western civilization" and "Western history." Governor Morrisey put it in plain English, stating the program exists to "push back on the woke ideology that has infected our schools and help return higher education to its true purpose."
The autumn curriculum boasts such high-brow titles as "Woke," "The New Right," and "Nation and Migration." Critics call this one of the most desperate skirmishes in the ongoing culture war currently raging in our schools and workplaces. Observers note that fighting perceived extremism with your own zero-credit dogmatic lectures is a play steeped in sheer delusion. We shall see if any more warm bodies occupy the desks come September.
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### THE BATTLE OF THE CLOUDS!
#### Trump Ditches Shady Qatari Air-Cruiser for Old Reliable Air Force One!
#### WHITE HOUSE FLACK SCREAMS "FAKE NEWS!" AS SCRIBES REVEAL CHINKS IN THE PRESIDENT’S FLYING ARMOR!
**WASHINGTON** — A tempest has erupted in the ink-stained pressrooms of the Nation's Capital!
Scribe Carol Leonnig of the *MS NOW* syndicate blew her whistle Wednesday evening, reporting that President Trump hastily abandoned his flashy new Qatari-built aero-plane midway through a crossing from the Turkish NATO parley to the shores of Great Britain. The reason? The high-flying machine lacked the heavy-duty radio gear and defensive armor needed to dodge hostile fire from the troublesome Persians.
The report drew a furious broadside from White House horn-blower Steven Cheung! Cheung took to the wireless wires, branding the lady reporter a "fraud" and a "liar."
"Carol Leonnig is a liar and this article is complete Fake News," Cheung typed in a rage. He claimed the White House had indeed offered comments to other papers, but he notably failed to dispute a single fact of her yarn.
When pressed by other journals, Cheung offered only vague boasts, calling the Qatari craft "state-of-the-art" and muttering about "distraction and misdirection" to keep the President safe from foreign assassins.
President Trump himself offered a thin story, claiming the Qatari flying machine was merely sent to a European military base "so the soldiers can see it." In truth, the new craft lacked the vital command-and-control functions of the original Air Force One. Experts scoffed that upgrading the Qatari plane would take years and billions of dollars, yet the Trump administration claimed they accomplished it in mere weeks—only to ditch the vessel on its maiden voyage!
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### THE MITRE AND THE SWORD!
#### Pentagon Accused of Threatening the Pope’s Ambassador After Anti-War Sermon!
#### TRUMP REJECTS HOLY SEE’S PEACE PLEA AS PERSIAN ATOMIC MENACE LOOMS LARGE!
**THE VATICAN** — Intrigue in the marble corridors! A secret row has come to light between the brass hats at the Pentagon and the holy emissaries of Rome.
Reports fly that back in January, the War Department rattled its sabers at the Papal Nuncio, days after Pope Leo XIV preached a fiery sermon against the administration’s gunboat diplomacy.
Brian Burch, the 51-year-old chieftain of the CatholicVote league, is on a furious manhunt to unmask the squealer who leaked the hostile exchange to the press, calling the report a base slander against Uncle Sam. Burch demanded an apology from Cardinal Pierre, claiming the prelate "emphatically denied" the confrontation. The Cardinal, however, kept his lips sealed when approached by the daily press, and the Pentagon denied making any threats.
Pope Leo, born in Chicago, has continually rankled the President with his relentless crusade for world peace. The Pontiff has railed against the White House's lethal attacks on small boats in the Caribbean, the sudden incursion into Venezuela, and the escalating conflict in Iran.
The President has not hesitated to throw his own fire at the religious leader. Trump told radio host Hugh Hewitt that the Pope was "endangering a lot of Catholics" by preaching peace. "I guess if it’s up to the pope, he thinks it’s just fine for Iran to have a nuclear weapon," Trump sneered.
Yet, Trump’s own record on the Persian nuclear threat is under the microscope. Under the 2015 pact brokered by former President Obama, the Persian state lacked even a single bomb’s worth of uranium. But after Trump tore up the treaty in 2018 and slapped tough economic sanctions on the country, the Persians busy-beed their way to an eleven-ton mountain of enriched uranium—enough to manufacture ten terrible bombs of mass destruction!
"I don't want to deal with them anymore. They're scum," Trump barked to reporters at a NATO press conference in Ankara, Turkey, declaring he was finished jawing with the Eastern diplomats. When asked why he abandoned negotiations, the President retorted: "I got to know 'em."
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### THE SCANDAL OF THE REFLECTING POOL!
#### Olympic Paddler Dragged to Court in Ten-Year Felony Trap Over Peeled Paint!
#### TRUMP’S FOURTEEN-MILLION-DOLLAR BLEACHING SCHEME TURNS MONUMENT INTO PEELING MESS!
**WASHINGTON** — A high-seas drama in a knee-deep pond! The federal prosecutors, led by the fierce District Attorney Jeanine Pirro, have suffered a stinging defeat in their crusade against David Hearn, the famed Olympic canoe-paddler.
The government sought to banish the athletic hero from the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after accusing him of the dastardly crime of property destruction. The charge carries a whopping ten-year prison stretch!
But Hearn's legal eagles, Mary Dohrmann and Norm Eisen, laughed the charges out of court. "The government’s evidence is weak," Dohrmann argued. Eisen added: "It is not a crime to touch the Reflecting Pool!"
DA Pirro claims Hearn "forcefully and violently" ripped two square feet of blue paint from the pool. Hearn maintains he merely touched a piece of paint that was already peeling. "The condition of the pool was the same after I stepped away as it was before," Hearn declared.
The real culprit, it seems, is the President’s own handy-work. Trump blew fourteen million smackers painting the pool blue, then dumped gallons of harsh peroxide bleach to kill the pond-weed, causing the new paint to blister and peel on its own! Unwilling to take the blame, the administration is hunting for scapegoats.
Supporters of the Olympic paddler packed the courthouse to cheer him on. Adam Van Grack, a bigwig of the canoe sports world, testified to Hearn’s sterling character as a protector of public parks. Meanwhile, President Trump has ordered the giant bathtub drained once again.
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### SABERS CLASH IN THE PERSIAN GULF!
#### "We’ll Slap 'Em Hard!" Cries Washington as Ceasefire Crumbles Into Bloodshed!
#### TRUMP BOASTS HE CAN DEMOLISH EVERY BRIDGE IN IRAN BEFORE SUNDOWN!
**WASHINGTON** — No peace in our time! The drums of war beat louder today as high officials in Washington whisper that the bloody clash with Persia will not simmer down anytime soon.
"We’re going to slap them a bit so they understand we’re not tinkering about," one American official boasted to the *Axios* wire service.
The peace treaty lies in tatters. The Persian chiefs, vexed that their oil won't sell and their gold remains frozen in foreign vaults despite the lifting of sanctions, have sent their gunboats back to the vital Strait of Hormuz.
In response, President Trump has laid bare his most terrifying threats yet. Seated feet away from Ukrainian Chief Volodymyr Zelenskiy at the Ankara parley, the President bragged that his air fleets could smash every bridge and drinking-water plant in Persia in a single afternoon.
"There’s not a thing they can do about it," Trump declared with a cold grin. "If we have to, we’ll take them out... Maybe we’ll take over Kharg Island. There’s not a thing they can do about it!"