Grim Reaper strikes the Capitol! The sudden demise of Senator Lindsey Graham throws the Republican machine into utter disarray, stalling crucial votes and sparking a frantic scramble for his vacant seat. As Washington weeps and schemes, a flurry of secret renovations at the executive mansion and the hushed hospital room of Senator McConnell fuel rumors of a government in deep transition.
**THE DAILY INQUIRER**
*The Voice of the Nation’s Capital*
**EXTRA! EXTRA!**
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### **THE GRIM REAPER STRIKES CAPITOL HILL!**
#### **Senator Graham Gives Up the Ghost—GOP Bosses Left in a Tizzy as Critical Votes Loom!**
**WASHINGTON, D.C.** — The Grim Reaper paid a sudden, shocking visit to the halls of Congress over the weekend, snatching South Carolina’s own Senator Lindsey Graham and throwing the Grand Old Party into a desperate tailspin! With the influential Senator now in the great beyond, Republican kingpins are staring down a barrel of high-stakes Senate votes with a razor-thin hand to play.
A regular logjam of appointments is waiting for the green light in the coming weeks. The big brass waiting on their badges include acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, Jay Clayton for Director of National Intelligence, Erica Schwartz for the CDC, Keith Sonderling for Labor, and David Cummins to run the TSA. To make matters worse, the massive war chest of the National Defense Authorization Act—the heavy-duty funding bill for our boys in uniform—is set to hit the floor this very week!
Before he took his final bow, Graham was the head honcho of the Senate Budget Committee, ready to cook up a new tax-cut bill.
“The last time he and I sat down, we talked about doing a third reconciliation bill and giving the public another big tax cut,” David McIntosh, the big cheese over at the Club for Growth, whispered to reporters. “Lindsey was all for that.”
Meanwhile, Majority Leader John Thune has his hands full with a heavy-duty docket, including new sanctions against the Russian bear and a renewal of the controversial FISA wiretap law. All the while, the Chief Executive, President Trump, is still pushing his voter suppression scheme, the SAVE Act.
**WHO WILL FILL THE LATE SENATOR'S SHOES?**
With Graham gone, the President has lost his chief whisperer—the key middleman who could smooth things over between the White House and the high-hats in the Senate. Trump is said to be sweet on Senator Rick Scott for the job, but word around the campfire is that Scott doesn’t carry enough weight with the Senate elite.
“I could see Alabama’s Katie Britt trying to fill that void,” a White House insider whispered on the condition of anonymity.
Back in South Carolina, the scramble is on to fill Graham’s vacant seat. Former Representative Troy Gowdy—a real fast-talker—has the backing of South Carolina’s other Senator, Tim Scott, who’s been burning up the telephone lines across the Palmetto State. But Governor Henry McMaster, who holds the legal power to hand-pick a temporary successor, is said to favor Lieutenant Governor Pamela Evette.
Will the Governor choose a mere seat-warmer, or appoint a long-term player? Other names floating around the parlor include Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Graham’s own sister, Darline Graham Nordone. Whomever the Governor taps, Trump and Thune need that warm body in the Senate seat pronto to secure their votes before a lightning-fast primary election is held to name a permanent Republican nominee for the November ballot.
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### **DEPORTATION BIRDS!**
#### **Trump Plotting Giant Fleet of Flying Paddy Wagons for 24-7 Sky Sweep!**
**THE CAPITAL** — The Trump administration is plotting to build a massive, government-owned squadron of flying machines, designed to deport a cool million folks a year in a round-the-clock sky parade!
The fellas at Homeland Security are currently hunting for a private outfit to manage at least nine big passenger jets. This fleet would come fully loaded with pilots, nurses, and armed guards, ready to fly at the drop of a hat. When they aren't shipping folks back to foreign shores, these luxury liners will be used to chauffeur the administration’s high-society brass on diplomatic junkets.
While the government is keeping mum on the final cost of this sky-high venture, records show Uncle Sam splashed out a staggering $140 million on just six Boeing deportation jets last year. Furthermore, the aviation fellas at the FAA recently noted that several aircraft belonging to Avelo—a private outfit chummy with the government—have already been quietly transferred to the DHS deed-book.
The President’s loyal fans are cheering the news, claiming a private fleet will make cleaning house a breeze. Yet, the high-flying dream of booting a million people a year remains pie in the sky. The DHS doesn’t expect the official contract to even begin until the summer of 1927, running through the year of 1932.
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### **THE SILENT SENATOR!**
#### **McConnell’s Palace Gets New Rugs While He Lies in Sanitarium—Rumors Fly as Flacks Clam Up!**
**GEORGETOWN** — Is Kentucky’s grand old man, Mitch McConnell, knocking on death’s door, or is he just redecorating?
While the veteran Senator remains hospitalized for mysterious ailments, our sharp-shooting gumshoes spotted a suspicious delivery at his swanky Washington residence on Friday. A worker carrying fancy carpet and tile samples was seen leaving the McConnell manor, proving that while the Senator is out of commission, the home renovation racket never sleeps!
Charlie Cotton, a slick news hound for the gossip sheets, was snooping around the property trying to get the lowdown on McConnell’s health. He cornered the carpet-layer, who spilled the beans off-camera, admitting that the family is picking out new rugs and tiles for the estate.
The rumor mill has been spinning at a furious clip since McConnell was rushed to the clinic on June 14. Some whispers on the street claim the Senator is completely brain-dead, while his Republican pals insist they’ve had long, lively chats with him. Meanwhile, his press agents are keeping as quiet as a speakeasy during a raid, offering nothing but platitudes about “excellent care.”
Adding fuel to the fire, a neighbor’s moving-picture footage from the day of McConnell’s collapse shows a stretcher being wheeled away by the ambulance crew with absolutely no pep in their step. The figure on the stretcher lay perfectly still.
Why buy expensive new flooring now, while McConnell lies bedridden? Is the missus, former Cabinet member Elaine Chao, preparing to pack her trunks and sell the joint? Until the family sings, the public is left to guess.
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### **THE GOLD-PLATED EXECUTIVE MANSION!**
#### **Trump Treats White House Like Swanky Resort—Sticks Taxpayers with Jaw-Dropping Bill!**
**PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE** — President Donald Trump isn’t done turning the nation’s historic executive mansion into a noisy construction site—and he’s digging deep into the taxpayer's pockets to pay the bill!
The front doors facing Lafayette Park are currently blocked off as workers hammer away at the North Portico's iconic columns. To hide the mess, giant tarps printed with pictures of what the columns *should* look like have been draped over the front of the house.
This is just the latest construction caper the President has pulled without getting the green light from Congress, which legally holds the purse strings for federal land. For months, Trump has treated the people’s house like one of his own gaudy Atlantic City hotels.
Just last month, he started laying concrete for a private flying-machine pad on the South Lawn without so much as a "by your leave." At the same time, his crews began face-lifting the South Portico and repaving the driveway. The White House ordered the builders to speed up the job, adding a hefty $875,000 to an already staggering $13 million price tag. Why the rush? Documents show the President wanted the driveway shiny and new by mid-September, just in time for a grand state visit from Chinese bigwig Xi Jinping on September 24.
Trump claims the Sikorsky aircraft company will foot the bill for the $5 million helipad, but you can bet your bottom dollar the American taxpayer will be left holding the bag for the rest.
It’s the same old song and dance. The President originally swore his grand White House ballroom project would only cost $200 million. But after he ordered the demolition of the East Wing, the bill ballooned to $300 million, then $400 million. A bombshell report recently revealed the public is actually on the hook for half of a colossal $600 million bill!
With the President's track record of toxic reflecting pools and crumbling stages, citizens are wondering if this latest building spree is nothing but a house of cards!
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### **THE JUDGE SAYS 'NO DICE'!**
#### **Trump’s Anti-Diversity Crusade Blocked by Federal Gavel!**
**SAN FRANCISCO** — A federal judge has slapped the President’s wrist once again, ruling that he cannot play Robin Hood with Uncle Sam’s pocketbook!
U.S. District Judge William Orrick handed down a cold injunction, freezing Trump’s attempt to withhold federal grants from cities in Oregon and California that don't toe his line on diversity policies. The judge ruled that the President’s executive overreach was a direct raid on Congress’s constitutional power of the purse.
The funds Trump tried to choke off are no laughing matter—they include critical emergency dough for victims of domestic violence, human trafficking, disaster relief, and specialized aid for abused children and seniors.
“Nothing in the Constitution or federal statutes authorizes the Defendants to impose the Challenged Conditions,” Judge Orrick wrote in a stern opinion. “I agree.”
This marks the third time in recent weeks that the courts have told the administration’s anti-diversity campaign: *“Tell it to the judge!”*