Horror struck the pines of Maine as federal gunners ruthlessly felled a young father, igniting fiery protests while the Chief Executive ignored a fallen ally to drum up a high-society auto race. Meanwhile, the scales of justice clashed in Washington as a crusading judge struck down the President's billion-dollar taxpayer honey pot and states moved to halt a monstrous media trust. This web of blood, backroom gold, and unchecked power threatens to strip the common citizen of both his hard-earned purse and his peace.
**THE DAILY INQUIRER**
*“All the News with None of the Hokum”*
**VOL. CIV... No. 24,110.** | **NEW YORK, TUESDAY, JULY 14, 2026** | **THREE CENTS**
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### **BLOOD IN THE STREETS OF MAINE!**
#### **Federal Immigration G-Men Gun Down Motorist in Broad Daylight; Screaming Tot Witnesses Gruesome Scene!**
#### **AGGRIEVED CITIZENS MARCH ON COLLINS OFFICE CRYING ‘FOUL!’**
**BIDDEFORD, Me., July 13** — A scene of unmitigated horror played out on the cobblestones of this quiet northern town Monday morning when Federal Immigration agents turned their service revolvers on a young motorist, leaving his motor-car to spin in dervish-like circles while the driver sat lifeless at the wheel.
Stunned onlookers stood frozen as the G-men besieged the small white coupe. The *Portland Press Herald* secured moving-picture footage of the grim aftermath. In a display that has set local tempers to a boiling pitch, the feds finally pried open the door of the idling jalopy, only to let the driver’s limp form slump directly onto the dusty pavement, slapping handcuffs onto his wrists though a bullet had already pierced his skull.
##### **“I Tried to Stop,” Gasping Victim Cried**
An eyewitness, trembling with outrage, related to reporters that the victim was dragged from his seat "bleeding profusely from his noggin." Yet, miraculously, the spark of life remained in him for a fleeting moment.
"He was talking," the witness whispered. "He said, ‘I tried to stop.’"
Further footage shows the lawmen encircling the poor fellow in the middle of the intersection, his white coupe riddled with bullet holes. Adding to the heartbreak of the tragic affair, a tiny tot—the victim’s own daughter, no older than three years—stood by in her childish blue-dog nightclothes, weeping bitterly at the sight of her father’s blood.
##### **Work-Authorized Youth of 26**
Spokesmen for the immigrant leagues declare the deceased to be a 26-year-old native of Colombia who held legitimate papers to labor in this country, complete with a government-issued Social Security number.
The shooter, an Immigration officer, claims the young man attempted to ram him with his automobile—a familiar song and dance, critics note, pointing to the recent slaying of Lorenzo Salgado Araujo by federal agents in Houston, where the official story of a "ramming" was flatly contradicted by eyewitnesses who saw the feds box the man in.
State Representative Chellie Pingree and Senator Angus King revealed Monday afternoon that the federal agents wore no recording devices on their lapels during the affray. Tonight, Biddeford is a powder keg. Angry townsfolk are marching through the streets, descending upon the headquarters of Republican Senator Susan Collins, chanting, “Vote her out!”
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### **GRAHAM COLD IN HIS GRAVE WHILE CHIEF EXECUTIVE TOUTS SENSATIONAL AUTO-RACE!**
#### **President Trump Ignores Passing of Longtime Carolina Ally to Hawk 190-MPH Daredevils on Pennsylvania Avenue!**
#### **“HE HAD ONE BAD MOMENT,” TRUMP LAUGHS OF DECEASED SENATOR**
**WASHINGTON, D.C., July 13** — The Grim Reaper has claimed Senator Lindsey Graham, but the Great Carnival of Washington plays on!
On Monday, in his first public address since the shocking demise of the prominent South Carolina lawmaker, the President did not utter one single word of condolence. Instead, the Chief Executive stood before the press to beat the drum for an upcoming, death-defying motor-race slated to tear down the National Mall this August to celebrate the Nation’s 250th birthday.
The President was in high spirits, ribbing Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy over his old days as a champion lumberjack speed-climber, and bantering with Fox Sports chief Eric Shanks about the "colossal ratings" the race would fetch.
"You're going to see motor-cars racing at more than 190 miles an hour down Pennsylvania Avenue!" the President boomed, pitching the derby as a spiritual successor to his pugilistic UFC 250 exhibition. "It’s going to be a sight for the ages!"
##### **A Sudden Aortic Tear**
Senator Graham crossed the River Styx on Saturday night following what his staff termed a "swift and sudden illness." A medical examiner’s autopsy on Sunday revealed the cause of death to be a rupture in the Senator’s aorta, brought on by hardening of the arteries.
In private jawing with reporters on Sunday, the President had sung a sweeter tune, calling Graham "like family" and his passing "a terrible loss." He recalled a telephone chat with Graham on Saturday night after the Senator returned from a trip to Ukraine, noting he sounded "tired, but perfect." He even lauded Graham’s fiery, table-thumping defense of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh in 2018 as "a top-five moment in Senate history."
##### **The Monday Morning Turnabout**
But by Monday morning, the President’s tune had soured. Calling into the Fox News wire, he boiled down Graham's 23-year career to his brief rebellion following the January 6 Capitol riot.
"He had one bad moment, when he stood up and said, ‘All right, now I’ve had it,’" the President chuckled down the telephone line. "Then he called me about 40 minutes later and said, ‘Did I really say that? I can’t believe it.’ And he took it back. So I give him a 99 out of 100!"
When the radio hosts attempted to steer the President back to a eulogy, he would have none of it. He spent his remaining minutes on the air barking about his SAVE America Act, railroading mail-in ballots, and howling that the elections in California are rigged from top to bottom.
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### **TRUST-BUSTERS SUE TO HALT $110 BILLION CELLULOID MONOPOLY!**
#### **Twelve States Band Together to Block Paramount-Skydance Merger; Warn of Right-Wing Newspaper Empire!**
**SAN FRANCISCO, July 13** — Twelve righteous Attorneys General have unsheathed their legal swords to halt Paramount-Skydance’s whopping $110,000,000,000 purchase of Warner Bros. Discovery.
The legal trust-busters—representing Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, and Washington—filed their suit in the Federal District Court of California, charging that this mammoth consolidation will choke the market for moving pictures and give a single syndicate too much stranglehold over the public’s cable-wire boxes.
##### **“Less Show for More Shekels!”**
"The unlawful merger of these two entertainment behemoths would lead to higher prices, lower quality, and less content," warned California’s top lawyer, Rob Bonta.
If the deal goes through, the newly formed Trust would control two of the nation's premier news-broadcasting bureaus—CNN and CBS News—alongside the legendary Warner Bros. film studios. At the helm of this empire sit Larry Ellison and his son David, both staunch allies of the President.
Already, the Ellisons have steered the good ship CBS News hard to the starboard side, causing their ratings to take a nosedive and sparking a mass walkout of reporters from their flagship *60 Minutes* broadcast. Word around the speakeasies is that CNN is next in line for a thorough scrubbing, with the President himself reportedly drawing up a list of newsmen he wants given the old heave-ho once the deal is inked.
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### **JUDGE SMASHES THE PRESIDENT'S BILLION-DOLLAR COOKIE JAR!**
#### **Court Tosses Out Sham Lawsuit That Funded $1.8 Billion Right-Wing Slush Fund; Calls Government Deal ‘Risible’**
**MIAMI, July 13** — A federal jurist has pulled the rug out from under a brazen scheme to line the pockets of the President’s allies with $1,800,000,000 in public greenbacks.
The massive "Anti-Weaponization" kitty was the result of a peculiar backroom deal the President struck with his own administration. After dropping a ten-billion-dollar libel suit against the tax collector for leaking his financial ledgers, the President’s appointed Justice Department agreed to pay out nearly two billion dollars of taxpayer money as "reparations" to any right-winger who felt sore about the previous administration.
##### **A Sham from the Start!**
U.S. District Judge Kathleen Williams was not fooled by the legal hocus-pocus. In a scathing 56-page decree handed down Monday, the Judge blasted the deal as a naked attempt to bypass the law and "earmark billions of dollars from American taxpayers to redress grievances not defined in any statute."
Judge Williams ruled that the President, the Treasury, and the tax office are strictly "prohibited" from using the deal in any official capacity. Furthermore, she referred the President's personal mouthpieces to the Florida Bar for a professional whipping.
The Judge noted with a wink that the President chose not to sue when he was a private citizen. Instead, he waited until he was back in the White House, appointed his own former attorney, Todd Blanche, to run the Justice Department, and then sat down to "negotiate" a settlement with his own team!
"It is risible to suggest that there was ever any real fight between the parties," wrote Judge Williams. "The plaintiff and the Government are one and the same!"
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### **THE CHIEFTAIN’S SONS FEATHER THEIR NESTS WITH MUNITIONS DOUGH!**
#### **Don Jr. and Eric Cash In on Father’s Massive Military Spending; Defense Firms Pocket $3.2 Billion After Boys Invest!**
**WASHINGTON, D.C., July 13** — Muckrakers at *The Washington Post* have uncovered a pretty penny being pocketed by the President's own boys, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump, who are making a killing off the nation’s booming war machine.
According to a financial audit, investment syndicates tied to the Trump brothers have quietly purchased stakes in over a dozen defense technology firms currently angling for lucrative contracts from the War Department.
Since the boys put their dough into these firms, the outfits have secured a staggering $3.2 billion in federal contracts, with another $3.1 billion in future options on the table. Some have even been placed on "gilt-edged" shortlists, giving them exclusive rights to bid on up to $200 billion in future government work.
Spokesmen for the Trump family and the munitions makers have dismissed the outcry of "graft" as mere bunkum, insisting that the contracts were handed out strictly on merit and that no funny business is afoot. But critics are calling it the slickest racket to hit Washington since Teapot Dome!