Blood runs cold in Maine after federal agents gun down an authorized immigrant worker in a storm of lead, sparking fury across the nation! Meanwhile, the Whispering Gallery of Washington is rocked to its foundations as the FBI confesses to scrubbing a notorious billionaire's files, and the sudden demise of a kingpin Senator leaves the Capitol in utter gridlock. In these dark hours, the executive shadow grows longer, threatening to deploy a fleet of sky-borne deportations to purge the land.
***THE DAILY INQUIRER***
*Late Night Edition — Five Cents*
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### **BLOOD ON THE COBBLESTONES! FEDS RIDDLE MOTORCAR IN MAINE INTERSECTION!**
#### **26-Year-Old Colombian Slain in Broad Daylight by Immigration Agents—No Camera-Eyes on the Dicks!**
**BIDDEFORD, Maine** — A quiet Monday morning was shattered by the bark of iron and the screech of rubber here, leaving a young man stone-cold dead at the hands of Federal Immigration agents.
"This morning a shooting occurred in Biddeford," reported State House Speaker Ryan Fecteau in a hasty message to the public. "A person was killed. The federal immigration police were in the thick of it. State flatfoots and the Department of Public Safety are on the scene to gather the lowdown, and we expect the Government’s own Bureau investigators to dig into the muck."
The deceased, a 26-year-old fella from Colombia, was authorized by Uncle Sam to work in our great Republic and held a legitimate Social Security card, according to the Maine Immigrants’ Rights Coalition and Presente! Maine.
"A young man came to Maine to earn an honest living, and now his folks are weeping over his pine box," the groups declared in a fiery statement. "This is a low-down, enraging, and intolerable business! His loved ones deserve straight answers, and the public deserves the whole truth, no whitewashing!"
#### **THE CHIEF SAYS IT WAS A BLUNDER!**
At a bustling press conference, Senator Angus King announced that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is on the case. King spilled the beans that the agents involved were wearing no recording apparatuses on their vests. Furthermore, Homeland Security Chief Markwayne Mullin had initially whispered in King's ear that the victim was the prime target of a warrant "due to his immigration status."
But hours later, Senator King had to singing a different tune! The Homeland Security Chief recanted, admitting the slain man was *not* the fellow they were looking for after all. Mullin now alleges the driver "weaponized" his white Kia motorcar against an officer—a familiar tune that federal immigration agents have sung in past fatal encounters.
The Maine Attorney General’s Office put out a dispatch citing "initial statements," claiming the driver "attempted to flee in his machine in the direction of the lawman and was fatally shot."
#### **“YOU TOOK HER DAD!”**
Eyewitnesses paint a picture of pure bedlam. One local bystander told the *Press Herald* he heard the crack of gunfire and saw a heavy federal SUV attempt to "ram a small white car in the intersection" before agents in vests dragged the driver out. Before the poor soul drew his last breath, bleeding profusely from his noggin, he gasped his final words: *"I tried to stop."*
Another witness reported a heartbreaking scene: the victim’s own family was right there on the pavement. As the man lay dying in the street, an elderly matriarch wailed alongside a distraught family, including a tiny tot—a little girl clad in Bluey pajamas.
"You took her dad, you took her dad!" the woman shrieked at the stone-faced agents.
This marks at least the eleventh soul sent to his Maker by Immigration agents since Donald Trump reclaimed the White House—and the second tragedy in less than a week, hot on the heels of the slaying of Lorenzo Salgado Araujo in Houston, Texas, on July 7.
As we go to press, indignant citizens are marching in protest. Biddeford Councilwoman Abigail Woods told the local gazette: "It is an outrage to have one of our own residents murdered by federal agents in the streets of Biddeford!"
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### **SENSATIONAL DISCOVERY! FBI COLD-SHOULDERED THE LAW TO SCRUB EPSTEIN’S BLACK BOOK!**
#### **Lady Scribe Uncovers Secret Training Films Used to Snipe Trump’s Name from Vice Files!**
**WASHINGTON** — A stunning admission has been dragged into the light of day! The Federal Bureau of Investigation has confessed to running a secret school for its agents, training them to redact and censor the files of the notorious, late vice-kingpin Jeffrey Epstein before the public could lay eyes on them.
It took independent scribe and award-winning broadcaster Allison Gill a solid year of legal battling, a Freedom of Information demand, and a federal lawsuit to crack the safe. On Sunday, Gill received a jaw-dropping confession from the Bureau, confirming that secret training videos—which the government tried to hide from the courts—do indeed exist.
Several G-men from the Bureau and the Department of Justice have broken their silence, recounting grueling 24- to 48-hour lock-in shifts where they scrutinized hundreds of thousands of dirty photographs, moving pictures, and ledgers detailing Epstein’s high-society child-trafficking ring. The agents' march orders? Scrub out any mention of the Big Boss, Donald Trump!
"They confided in me that there was a secret, unclassified digital archive containing a presentation deck with training films embedded," Gill reported. "These films instructed them how to hunt, log, and mark Trump’s name for the shears."
Bureau censors used modern Excel ledger sheets to track every page and document where Trump’s moniker appeared. Despite this massive laundering operation, Trump's name still slipped through the cracks more than 38,000 times in the final release!
Among the unredacted files is a chilling tip-sheet containing allegations that Trump forced an underage doll of just 13 or 14 years to perform a depraved act on him in New Jersey some thirty-five years ago.
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### **SENATOR GRAHAM MEETS THE GRIM REAPER!**
#### **Trump Dodges Persian Gulf War Questions with Tearful Tributes to Fallen Ally**
**NEW YORK** — The Republican Party is in mourning after the sudden passing of South Carolina’s veteran Senator, Lindsey Graham, who kicked the bucket this weekend at the age of 71.
But down in Washington, President Donald Trump is using his fallen pal's casket as a shield against tough questions!
The Senator's demise coincided with a hot war heating up in the Orient, with U.S. and Iranian forces trading heavy fire in the Middle East—effectively tearing up the June peace memorandum. When CNN’s chief inquisitor Jake Tapper cornered Trump on the airwaves, asking, "Are we back at war, and who controls the Strait of Hormuz?" the President pulled a fast one.
"Well, I don't want to—out of respect for Lindsey, I'm not talking about that," Trump dodged, before bragging in the next breath: "We hit ’em very hard last night, so I don’t want to talk about it, but I will say we hit ’em very hard last night."
Trump went on to bluster that the Persian leaders were "giving up everything" in talks on Saturday before they suddenly turned tail and struck an American vessel with a flying drone.
When Tapper tried once more to get the straight dope on whether the crucial shipping canal was closed, Trump snapped: "It’s open as far as we’re concerned. Don’t talk about it. Talk about the reason you asked me to speak!"
At press time, both Washington and Tehran claim to rule the waves of the Strait.
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### **REPUBLICANS IN A TIGHT SPOT AFTER GRAHAM’S DEMISE**
#### **GOP Scrambles for Senate Votes on Judges, Tax Cuts, and the Defense Cash-Box**
The sudden departure of Senator Graham has left Senate Majority Leader John Thune in a terrible jam.
With a razor-thin majority, the GOP faces a barrage of high-stakes votes in the coming weeks. On the docket are confirmations for acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, Jay Clayton for Intelligence Chief, Erica Schwartz for the Health Department, Keith Sonderling for Labor, and David Cummins to run the Transportation security agents. To make matters worse, the massive National Defense spending bill is up for a vote this very week.
Graham was also the kingpin of the Budget Committee, and was cooking up a grand scheme for a third tax-cut bill. "The last time he and I sat down, we talked about another big tax cut," lamented Club for Growth President David McIntosh. "Lindsey was all for it."
Now, South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster must appoint a caretaker to fill Graham's seat before a lightning-fast primary election is held this autumn.
The rumor mill is spinning fast! Tim Scott is pulling strings for former Representative Troy Gowdy, while Governor McMaster is said to favor Lieutenant Governor Pamela Evette. Treasury Chief Scott Bessent’s name has also been whispered in the corridors, and some loyalists are even pushing for Graham’s sister, Darline Graham Nordone, to take up the mantle.
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### **THE EDITOR'S PICK:**
#### **DEPOT-BOUND JETS! Trump Admin Building Private Fleet for Round-the-Clock Deportations!**
The Department of Homeland Security is quietly shopping around for a private aviation outfit to run a permanent fleet of at least nine giant steel birds to execute the President's dream of shipping out one million souls a year.
According to insider reports, these planes will be staffed with private pilots, nurses, and armed guards, ready to take flight at a moment’s notice, day or night. While the big wigs are keeping the price tag under their hats, Uncle Sam blew a whopping 140 million smackers on just six Boeing deportation jets last year. Federal aviation logs show the government has already seized several flying machines from the Avelo airline company.
The President’s loyalists are cheering the news, but independent bean-counters say the goal of a million deportations a year is nothing but a pipe dream. The federal contracts are set to run from the summer of 1927—er, 2027—all the way through 2032!